What Brings Us Together: Ponies, Shitting, Best Friends, Nudes and Marriage. Also zombies.

Now and then, Chuck Wendig does a post called “Search Term Bingo” a roundup of the search-terms that get people to his site. I always thought these were hilarious, so I decided to take a look at the things that were getting folks to me. Nothing could be as weird as the searches that were getting folks to Chuck.

Haha! I am a fool.

They were weirder than I had ever imagined. I’m not even sharing all of the weirdness with you right now. This is just all that I had the energy for today. Anyway, I’ve tried to address these terms in the best way I know how. Direct people to the proper sources. Searches are questions, and questions deserve answers. No question is dumb, but some of them ARE weird.

things you should know about your best friend

1. They masturbate. Like, WAY more than you think they do. You think you masturbate? Your best friend does it like, ten times more than you do.
2. Yes, they think about you when they do it. Sometimes. That does not make things weird. It’s a sign of how much they love you. As a friend.
3. Your best friend has lied to you to spare your feelings. Also a sign of love.
4. They’ll shoot you if you become a zombie.

Mur Lafferty Nude

Listen, Google isn’t a wishing-well. You can’t just throw something in there you WISH was true and then have it become real. I know it seems like that sometimes but it just isn’t the case.

What about Mur Lafferty has made you think that there might be nude photos of her just laying about for you to find on other websites? What makes you think, EVEN IF THERE WERE nude photos, that she wouldn’t host them ON HER OWN SITE. If they existed! Which they do not. At least, if they do, I don’t have them. And if I had nudes of Mur Lafferty, I wouldn’t show them to you.  Not that I do have them, because I don’t. I DO have photos of Mur though, not that you want to see them, because they’re not NUDE.

Listen, okay, how about this? If Mur and I get to 90 years of age, we’ll work out a nude photoshoot. Sound good?  I haven’t asked her about this but I’m sure she’ll go for it. (1)

Strangulation Fun

Is strangulation fun? Ever? It doesn’t sound like it. But I have to admit, this happened, and it was fun, so maybe conventional wisdom doesn’t always apply. Maybe you should try things out before you judge. Maybe this isn’t really strangulation, but just the wrapping of hands around a neck. (2)

Friendship!
Photo by Rae Winters

pinkie laughing man thought what i’d do was become one of those ponies

Yeah, you should do that. Good idea. Get right on that one.

Kyle Cassidy

He’s not here. He’s over here. Of course, you know that because you searched for him and this was hardly the first result to pop up. So you’re not really looking for his website, are you? No, you are looking for some Grade-A Kyle Cassidy Secrets. It’s not like he’s going to put his super-secrets on his own website, right? No, you’d need to get that shit from another source. This source.

Yeah, that’s right, I’ve got some Kyle Cassidy Secrets right here. First off? He’s a pirate. I know! I was surprised too! Also, he knows Kung Fu. He once liberated a elephant from a cult in Cincinnati. He knows a pack of werewolves. He has the power to open up the walls between buildings to make new streets. He carries sunlight in his pocket, which is how he gets such great pictures. He has a tooth made of dark matter. He can set fire to any liquid. (3)

larp fatties

YES! I say YES to LARP Fatties! Rock on, LARP Fatties! WORK IT. Also, Rock on to the LARP Skinnies! And the LARP Chubbies, and the LARP Tallies and Shorties and Middlies and Buffies. Yeah, LARP body-types! Keep on LARPing in the free world! All of you.

steve walker artist

He’s over here: http://stevejwalkerstudio.blogspot.com/

artist similar to steve walker

THERE IS NO SUCH THING HE IS A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE. Also, you are cheap. Buy the real thing, okay? No knockoffs.

you dont say pinkie pie

This could mean many different things, depending on the punctuation. For example:

Q: You don’t say, Pinkie Pie?

Pinkie Pie: I do say! It’s true!

Q: You. Don’t. Say. Pinkie Pie.

A: I DO AS I LIKE! PINKIE PIE! PINKIE PIE! PINKIE PIE, DAMN YOU TO HELL!

velociraptor letters

Dear Sir or Madam,

I found your Raptor in my garden on Thursday night chewing on my Tulips. Number 1: Please keep your Raptor out of my yard. Number 2: Raptors are supposed to be carnivorous. Stop meddling with gods plan, you sorry excuse for a geneticist.

Sincerely,

Mary

Dear Mary,

What ho, Mary. Did you know that we were quite a bit like chickens and we have feathers? Why, it’s all the rage in the scientific community now. I do so miss when they thought we could open doors. And write letters.

Tally Ho,

Reginald

Hey Freakshow,

Cease and desist having your Velociraptor send me letters. They are unwelcome. Keep  him in line and please cease meddling with gods plan.

Sincerely,

Mary

fatties destroyed

Must we destroy fatties?  How about, instead of “destroying” them, we just have vigorous consensual sex with them? Doesn’t that sound nice?

my little pony zombie writing prompts

Okay! Here are a few:

The Mayor of Ponyville dies suddenly before Winter Wrapup, and Twilight Sparkle uses an old book to raise her from the dead so that the Wrapup can go as planned. Unfortunately, the Mayor doesn’t return to the living as the same pony, but as a terrible undead zombie!

It was all a ruse when Nightmare Moon pretended to turn good and fall into the graces her sister. After luring everyone into a sense of complacency, she begins her secret work, to raise an army of undead ponies and overthrow Princess Celestia. When Pinkie Pie finds out about her plot, will her friends believe her, or will they think that Pinkie has, once again, gone bugnuts? (4)

easy zombie photoshoot

Let’s be real for a second: Despite what anyone might tell you, there is no such thing as an easy zombie photoshoot. Zombies are ALWAYS difficult to wrangle for a shoot. You think a wedding is difficult? Try Zombies. Even if you just have ONE zombie, they are incredibly difficult to shoot. First off, you have to make sure they don’t eat your brains, and it’s tough to wrangle your camera and handgun at the same time.  That is hard.

Also, even if you think you’re just shooting one zombie, there are usually others around. Let me be clear, zombie photoshoot? Rewarding, but difficult. I sugget you bring help.

balls deep in rainbow dash

Nope. No. We don’t have that here.

kate pin up

Kate PinUp

incredibly offensive

You Tube Comments, usually. That’s the place I like to go if I want to get offended fast. Such a magical resource. If only we could harness it and turn it into energy to fuel our cities.

how does doctor randolph carter do dilate the eye

Don’t let Doctor Randolph Carter dilate the eye. Just don’t. You know he’s talked to ghosts and left his friend to die in the time-shifted graveyard of Lovecraftian horrors. So just don’t. Also, he’s probably racist. I mean, Lovecraft was crazy-racist, and Randolph Carter is his creation and I have a rule about racists where I can’t allow them to do dilate the eye. I don’t want to force anything on you, but it’s been a good rule, one that’s worked for me so far.

tee morris “married”

Why is married in quotes? Are we unsure about what it means? Do you think the letters are going to float off if you don’t bind them together? Are you that uncertain of the institution that you think even the LETTERS can’t stay together?

Or are you like, questioning the very idea that he’d be married.:  “Tee Morris, married? Why, never! That old bachelor would never ball-and-chain it up! Haha! I don’t believe it! Hoff Hoff! That scamp.”

fatties shitting parties

Listen, I mean, I don’t know for sure, but if there was fatties shitting parties, I don’t think you’d be able to find them via google search. I think they would be one of those things where you have to know someone who knows someone who hosts one of these things, then you have to prove your trustworthiness to like, a grand master fatty and then, and only then, do you get invited to this kind of party. It’s not like they let just ANYONE in. I mean, that would be disgusting. You’ve got to vet these things, to root out the assholes. You know. The bad assholes. I mean, obviously the good ones can stay. It is a shitting party.

Also, I’m not sure that it would be called a fatties shitting party. They might have a nicer name for it like a Curvacious Expulsion Dance-Off. I don’t know. I’m sure it’s more flattering than “fatties shitting” though. (5) Give the people some credit.

what to wear for a graveyard photo shoot

I don’t make the rules. This is what you should wear:

Jared Axelrod

Notes:

1. Not actually sure in any way.

2. There is a difference!

3. Yeah, none of that stuff is true. Except the bit about the werewolves.

4. Yes, I know ALL ABOUT PONIES. DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR I HAVE SEEN YOUR MONSTROUS SEARCH HISTORY.

5. If you know what these parties are called, please write it on a note-card and then throw it away.